Right, so here is the thing. I am useless when it comes to using words to express how I feel. Every time I want to say something about my feelings, I have to spend ages thinking of the words I want to use. I cannot express myself properly. I write song lyrics a lot, as you may have seen. I have posted two songs onto here. In my opinion they are the only ones that aren't incredibly depressing or are half decent. In fact, one of the songs I posted is rather depressing and worrying. The rest of my songs are very depressing and/or are terribly written and shall never been seen by another human being. There is a reason why I spend so much time on them, it unfortunately does not seem to be to make the lyrics any good. All of my lyrics are depressing (excluding perhaps two songs). They nearly all involve breaking up with someone and the feeling of regret and not being good enough. Apart from one, which is about 'moving on'. In my head, it was meant to be about moving on. In the end it turned into yet another song about how I am not good enough and how this person (who shall remain nameless) will be better off now. I try to write happy songs about love and friendship and other happy things, but I cannot do it. When I try, the words just sound terrible and fake.
Another aspect of my struggling with words comes into real life. Or, at least, when I am trying to talk via text/msn/twitter etc. I have to think about everything I say. I struggle to be able to just talk. I am so socially awkward that I can hardly talk even when I am not face to face with someone. Some people it is easier to talk to than others. Other people I am there struggling to say something that they will not be offended by. I am always too scared to say things because I feel like I will scare people away from me. I try to stay friends with people and not to freak them out with my general insanity. I have real trouble explaining how I feel, even to those I am closest too. The ones who I should be easily able to tell how I feel. I cannot explain myself properly. I wish I could explain how I feel to people. I wish I could tell people how I feel about them. How I feel about myself. Anything.
That is only when I am not talking face to face. When I talk face to face I am so utterly useless, it is a miracle anyone ever wants to talk to me. I cannot communicate properly with people in real life. If I am with someone and they introduce me to someone I have never met, I will say hello and then be quite the whole rest of the time they talk. I find it impossible to hold a conversation. There are few people I can talk to for a decent length of time. I just am so socially awkward that I cannot say hello if I see someone I know unless they talk to me first. I cannot start a conversation. I just feel like I am intruding and interrupting their lives. My self worth is so low that I do not see why anyone would want to talk to me.
Another thing that is effects is my trying to get anything from a shop. I always feel bad as if I am putting the person at the counter out by buying something. I cannot look them in the face. I feel like I have made them do something they would not have had to do otherwise. If I cannot find something in a shop, I will not ask where it is, I will just not get it.
I never leave the house without my headphones or my hat. I feel like if I have them, people are not likely to judge me or try and verbally abuse me, like at sixth form. At sixth form I always have my hat on and headphones in. I figure that if I cannot hear them, then they are not saying anything. My hat provides me with something to hide under. People see the hat, not me. It saves me from everyone noticing me. I feel safe with my hat. It is a defence thing. I cannot explain it, but I will not leave the house without my hat and headphones. Music is my way of escaping from the world. If I have music playing, I feel so much better, because it keeps me calm. If I did not have music, I would go insane. I would have to deal with everything the world has to throw at me. Music keeps it all at bay, at least for a little while.
Now, I know that this seems very much like a typical teenage blog. That would be because it is. Unfortunatly, it is how I am. I wish I could change myself, but I cannot. I cannot do anything about this. I do not work well in social situations. That is all. Goodbye for now.
