Alone.

So, I'm back for yet another depressing blog post. Leave now if you want to stay happy.

Basically, I feel alone. Where ever I go, whoever I'm with, I feel alone. I can be at sixth form surrounded by people and still feel like I'm alone. It feels like I don't fit in anywhere. At sixth form I'd rather just wonder around the school on my own than sit with the people who are supposed to be my friends. At home I prefer to sit in my room alone with my headphones in instead of being with my family.

I know why this has happened. I got close to someone. I thought that something might work out for me. Again, of course, I was wrong. And now I can't be around people. I feel like I need to be on my own constantly. I don't want to go to sixth form, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to go to parties. I don't want to do anything other than sleep and listen to music. I cannot function. I cannot do anything. I just want to give up. I just want to drop everything. There is no point in me continuing on with this complete lie I'm living. I put on a brave face everyday at sixth form, at work, at drama, at home. But, inside, I'm broken beyond repair. I've let everyone down enough as it is, it wouldn't matter if I just stopped. Just stopped everything. Give up.

I feel like complete shit everyday and it's because I don't deserve to feel good. I just fuck up everyone who gets close to me. If I let someone in, they get hurt and it's all my fault. I mess with people's feelings and heads and I don't mean to. I'm just that fucking stupid. I hurt people and don't realise I'm doing it. I say something or do something and don't realise just what effect it has on someone. I am basically selfish. And I don't mean to be. I just cannot do anything without hurting people.

And, to top it off, I've managed to push away the two people I thought I would always be friends with. I went and fucked up again. They had already forgiven me for so much, but this time I went too far. I crossed that line. And now I can't go back. I've managed to ruin the most important friendships I've ever had. I can never get that back. And no matter what I do, I will never forgive myself for what I've put these people through. They deserve better than me. They're better off without me in their lives. I can't ever forgive myself. I've hurt people who were nothing but kind and caring to me. I took their trust in me and ruined it. I let them get close, I got close with them, we got close and then I hurt them. I hurt them so badly that they will never want to see or hear from me again. And I don't blame them. What I did was wrong. What I did hurt them. Hurt them badly. And no matter how much I say sorry, it will never be enough. I will never forgive myself and they will never forgive me.

I no longer have a friend to turn too. I no longer have someone to confide in. I no longer have someone to make me feel better. I've blown everything and it is my fault. No one else's. Just me. I wish there was something I could do to fix things, but there isn't.

And if any of those people are reading this, I want you to know I'm sorry. Sorry for everything. And I hope your life is better without me, because, let's face it, it will be. Goodbye.