The Meltdown

So, today, I was in the library at sixth form, attempting some media work. It wasn't going well. People were talking about things. Things like a-levels, work and the future. And I started thinking. Which is where it all went wrong.

I started to think about how I am getting the lowest grades in my classes. I'm getting Bs and Cs, but everyone else is getting As, which makes me feel like I'm not good enough to be in the class. Which I didn't need help with. Recently, I did a practical drama exam and I thought I'd done pretty well. I thought I had done just as well as the rest of the people in my group. I was wrong. I got a B while everyone else got nearly 100%. I know that getting a B isn't bad, in fact, it's pretty good, but when I was the lowest grade in the class, it makes me feel pretty useless and rubbish. So, that's the drama part of the problem. Along with struggling with the media work, I am behind on psychology and don't understand what I'm doing in English language. Basically, I'm really struggling with my a-levels. This is my second attempt at them, having really messed up last year. I thought this year was going well until recently.

So, onto the work part. Basically, I've not been working nearly enough hours to earn anything. This isn't through choice. It's just that there has been nothing happening and I've been sent home after about an hour every night I've worked. I'm worried about not having any money, because I've got a car to run and I can't do that without money. Plus, I need things for sixth form and sometimes I just want to be able to go out with friends. More things I can't do without money. This also leads on to the next paragraph:

The future is a scary thing. I don't know what it holds. But, with what I've said previously, I feel like I'm probably going to have problems in the future. If I can't get the grades I need to get into university, I won't be able to get into the job I want. Which means I won't be able to support my family in future. I don't want to be in a position where I cannot support my family. I don't want to be in the same dead end job, struggling to support my family. While people at sixth form were joking about this today, I started to get worried about not being good enough for the family I will hopefully have in the future.

This is where I started to have my meltdown. I was thinking about this all far too much and started to get panicked and got more and more stressed. And then I stopped being able to function properly. I hated every moment of it. I had to go outside for a walk to try and calm down, but it had messed me up for the whole day. I couldn't focus on anything. I went home early and just had real problems with anything. And now I am writing this, reliving it again. I felt like I needed to write it somewhere and hopefully this will help.

The end.