Social Awkwardness

Right, so here is the thing. I am useless when it comes to using words to express how I feel. Every time I want to say something about my feelings, I have to spend ages thinking of the words I want to use. I cannot express myself properly. I write song lyrics a lot, as you may have seen. I have posted two songs onto here. In my opinion they are the only ones that aren't incredibly depressing or are half decent. In fact, one of the songs I posted is rather depressing and worrying. The rest of my songs are very depressing and/or are terribly written and shall never been seen by another human being. There is a reason why I spend so much time on them, it unfortunately does not seem to be to make the lyrics any good. All of my lyrics are depressing (excluding perhaps two songs). They nearly all involve breaking up with someone and the feeling of regret and not being good enough. Apart from one, which is about 'moving on'. In my head, it was meant to be about moving on. In the end it turned into yet another song about how I am not good enough and how this person (who shall remain nameless) will be better off now. I try to write happy songs about love and friendship and other happy things, but I cannot do it. When I try, the words just sound terrible and fake.

Another aspect of my struggling with words comes into real life. Or, at least, when I am trying to talk via text/msn/twitter etc. I have to think about everything I say. I struggle to be able to just talk. I am so socially awkward that I can hardly talk even when I am not face to face with someone. Some people it is easier to talk to than others. Other people I am there struggling to say something that they will not be offended by. I am always too scared to say things because I feel like I will scare people away from me. I try to stay friends with people and not to freak them out with my general insanity. I have real trouble explaining how I feel, even to those I am closest too. The ones who I should be easily able to tell how I feel. I cannot explain myself properly. I wish I could explain how I feel to people. I wish I could tell people how I feel about them. How I feel about myself. Anything.

That is only when I am not talking face to face. When I talk face to face I am so utterly useless, it is a miracle anyone ever wants to talk to me. I cannot communicate properly with people in real life. If I am with someone and they introduce me to someone I have never met, I will say hello and then be quite the whole rest of the time they talk. I find it impossible to hold a conversation. There are few people I can talk to for a decent length of time. I just am so socially awkward that I cannot say hello if I see someone I know unless they talk to me first. I cannot start a conversation. I just feel like I am intruding and interrupting their lives. My self worth is so low that I do not see why anyone would want to talk to me.

Another thing that is effects is my trying to get anything from a shop. I always feel bad as if I am putting the person at the counter out by buying something. I cannot look them in the face. I feel like I have made them do something they would not have had to do otherwise. If I cannot find something in a shop, I will not ask where it is, I will just not get it.

I never leave the house without my headphones or my hat. I feel like if I have them, people are not likely to judge me or try and verbally abuse me, like at sixth form. At sixth form I always have my hat on and headphones in. I figure that if I cannot hear them, then they are not saying anything. My hat provides me with something to hide under. People see the hat, not me. It saves me from everyone noticing me. I feel safe with my hat. It is a defence thing. I cannot explain it, but I will not leave the house without my hat and headphones. Music is my way of escaping from the world. If I have music playing, I feel so much better, because it keeps me calm. If I did not have music, I would go insane. I would have to deal with everything the world has to throw at me. Music keeps it all at bay, at least for a little while.

Now, I know that this seems very much like a typical teenage blog. That would be because it is. Unfortunatly, it is how I am. I wish I could change myself, but I cannot. I cannot do anything about this. I do not work well in social situations. That is all. Goodbye for now.

About me part 2.

So this is an updated version of my 'About me' post. A fair bit has changed since I wrote the other post. If you want to see this post, click this link: http://thehappeningsofhart.blogspot.com/2011/06/about-me.html

1) I am nearly always on Twitter.
2) I prefer people on twitter to people in real life.
3) I do not like my 'friends' at school.
4) I am not going to go into the details about that here.
5) I nearly always have music playing.
6) I am really struggling with sixth form.
7) I am taking biology, chemistry and maths.
8) I had to drop drama in an attempt to keep up with my other subjects.
9) I wish I had chosen a different life path.
10) I would prefer to be doing something musical/theatrical.
11) I am still part of the same drama club. And I still love it.
12) I don't feel like I fit in at sixth form.
13) The people there don't give me any respect.
14) This is why I do not like them. Which kind of makes point 4 invalid.
15) I seem to be unable of logical thought.
16) I have a constant monologue going in my brain.
17) I am a bit odd.
18) I am still interested in fashion.
19) I am not gay. I know someone assumed that.
20) Most of the people at school think I am gay.
21) I am trying to become a better person.
22) I still dance and act.
23) I still love singing.
24) I still can't do solos.
25) My solos are limited to my bedroom.
26) I am currently working on choreographing a dance to Remembering Sunday by All Time Low.
27) Remembering Sunday is one of my favourite songs.
28) If I were to sing a solo, it would probably be Crash by You Me At Six.
29) My favourite bands are You Me At Six, All Time Low, Paramore, Bon Jovi and Nirvana.
30) I am not stupid, I know Nirvana are no long around.
31) I think that anyone who thinks Nirvana are still producing albums is an idiot.
32) People seem to think that I am good looking.
33) I disagree.
34) I hate racism, homophobia, sexism, and the word 'retard'
35) I get very offended when people at school are racist/homophobic/sexist or use the word 'retard'
36) I've asked them to stop, but they will not listen to me.
37) I have given up with trying to get them to listen to me.
38) I am no longer an atheist.
39) In fact, I now believe in God and Christianity.
40) I get annoyed when people insult Christians.
41) I need to get out more.
42) I never have enough money.
43) I do not think that I am very interesting.
44) Others disagree with me. I don't know why.
45) I keep a diary. It is just a place for me to write things I don't ever want anyone else to see.
46) I love my girlfriend.


Let me know what you think about all of this.

Until next time, adios mi amigos!

My Self Doubt

Again, it's been about a month since I last posted anything, for which I am sorry. Well, here is my newest post. It's basically about why I am not an interesting person. It's about my self doubt. You will see as this blog goes on what it is really about.
Basically, I do not think I am a very interesting person. I am not talented, good looking, smart, funny or anything. I do not think I have even been interesting. I do not think that I am talented, good looking, smart or funny, despite what people say. I do not see what others see in me. I know that it sounds like I am attention seeking, but I am really not. I actually feel this way about myself. I do not like myself.

And then there is my self doubt. I always doubt myself when it comes to everything. I doubt my intelligence, I doubt my choices, I doubt everything. It affects everything. It causes me to get depressed. It causes me to think about myself. Which leads to more depression. It always ends badly for me. I always over think everything. It is the reason for me ending up loosing friends. I always doubt myself in relationships. I never think that I am good enough. I always think that I am second choice to anyone and everyone. I think that everyone and everything is better than me. I do not know why I feel like this, but I do. I wish I felt more positively about myself, but unfortunatly, I do not.

I would like to point out that I am not attention seeking, I do feel this way about myself. This is really just a way of me venting my self doubt and loathing so that it is not all pent up inside me. Sorry if I depress you, but if I do, do not read this blog post.

Goodbye for now.

Maybe It's Just Me

So, here is another set of lyrics I have written. I write lyrics a lot because I find that doing so helps me get all of my emotions and thoughts sorted into a way that I can fully control them. This is more or less a song about my self doubt. So, without further delay, here it goes:

I can't write a song,
The way it should be,
Maybe I'm just not good enough,
Maybe it's just me.

I want to sing a song,
One like I've never sung before,
Maybe I'm just not good enough,
Maybe it's just me.

I can't find the words,
To express how I feel,
And it really hurts,
Maybe that's the deal.

I look around for inspiration,
But nothing sparks my imagination,
I can't get it right,
I don't want to fight,
The words don't rhyme,
I can't keep time.

This ain't a good song,
This ain't nothing special,
There ain't no hope,
Maybe I'm just not good enough,
Maybe it's just me.

For once I want to be good enough,
But maybe I'm just not good enough,
Maybe it's just me.

Who am I?
Who am I?
Who am I?
Who am I?
I don't know anymore.

All these thoughts going round my head,
They make me wish I was dead,
I've lost who I am,
Does anyone give a damn?
I don't know who I am,
Who am I?
Maybe I'm just not good enough,
Maybe it's just me.

Perhaps if I tried,
Perhaps if I cried,
Perhaps if I died,
I should,
I would,
I could,
But what good would it be?
I'd still be me.
I'm just not good enough,
I'm just me.

It's been said that opposites attract,
If that's true, am I the same?
Or am I different too?
Maybe I'm just not good enough,
Maybe it's just me.

There is nothing I can do,
To make it all seem true,
People say they love me for me,
Then why is it so hard to see?
Am I just blind?
Maybe I'm just not good enough,
Maybe it's just me.


I can't take this anymore.
And you've all closed your doors.
I had so much to gain.
But it ended in pain.
I want to die.
But I can't say goodbye.
All of this.
It takes the piss.
Maybe it's just me.

I'm sat on my own as always,
Even when I'm surrounded by people, I feel alone,
Maybe I'm just not good enough,
Maybe it's just me.



So, there it is. My song. There is nothing more I can say about it, so I hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you think of it.

Until next time, goodbye my friends.

Scream It From The Rooftops

This is a song I wrote last month and I've only just decided that I want to show someone. I decided that the best way to show someone was to post it here. This is somewhere where people who do not necessarily know me can read what I put and tell me about it. There is a lot of meaning in this song, which you will probably pick up on. So, here it goes:

Scream It From The Rooftops

Here we go again.
Only this time it won't end in pain.
The love we know can only grow.
I want to scream it from the rooftops.
But any move and it may break.
I want to scream it from the rooftops.
But I'm afraid someone might hear.

There is nothing more I want.
All I want is right here beside me.
We can be all we want to be.

And here we go again.
Only this time it won't end in pain.
The love we know can only grow.
I want to scream it from the rooftops.
But any more and it may break.
I want to scream it from the rooftops.
But I'm afraid someone may hear.

But don't be afraid my dear,
You've got nothing to fear.
I'll never let this go.
Even when the winds blow.
This'll never end.
Even when we're in the deep end.

So here we go again.
Only this time it won't end in pain.
The love we know can only grow.
I want to scream it from the rooftops.
But any move and it may break.
I want to scream it from the rooftops.
But I'm afraid someone will hear.

And as I look at you,
I realise there's nothing to fear.

So I scream it from the rooftops.
I know it won't break.
I scream it from the rooftops.
I want someone to hear.
I scream from the rooftops.

Thank you.

Love And Hate

Love and hate is a very big topic, so I probably will not cover all of it. This is just going to be about smaller parts of it. I will try to not sound like a hippy.

Hate.

There is a lot of hate in the world. There is too much hate in the world. There are always wars, fights, arguments, break ups and shouting matches going on. There is always bullying, teasing, swearing and violence happening. There is never any need for this. The wars, fights and arguments can always be avoided. The bullying and teasing is never called for. There is never a need for violence. There is an old saying, that "violence is never the answer." This is true. It never is the answer. If all the violence stopped, the world would be a better place. People would live longer and be happier.

Bullying comes in loads of forms. Verbal, physical, mental etc. This is just people picking on others because they are different. It is wrong. If someone is different, it is a good thing. It means they are their own person. If everyone was the same, the world would be a very boring place. I believe it takes all types of people to make the world function. But unfortunately, some people do not agree with me. Most of the time in school, bullying happens because someone wears something different, likes something different, looks different. There is nothing wrong with being different. Difference is an amazing thing. Being different is what makes you you. It makes you human. If someone picks on you because of that, then they are a terrible person. More often than not, the people doing the bullying are picking on someone because they feel insecure about themselves. Perhaps because they have been bullied also. I do not understand why people bully others. I think that if everyone was kind to everyone and accepted everyone for who they are, the world would be a better place.

Wars are often caused by religion. If someone believes in something different, let them. It will not hurt you. Everyone believes in something. So what if someone believes something different? It makes no difference to anyone. Again, everyone is different. There is nothing wrong with it.

Love.

Love. Love is the thing that makes life worth living. It is the thing that makes the world go round. Without love, the world would be a very dark and dangerous place. Love is the best thing in the world. If everyone would show a little love, everyone would feel better. Love makes you feel good. It makes you believe in everything. Without love, life just would not be worth the fight. Bon Jovi once said "What do you got if you ain't got love? Whatever you got it just ain't enough." They were right. If you do not have love, what you have is not enough. Everybody needs love.

There are a lot of types of love. Paternal, maternal, romantic, homosexual, heterosexual, unrequited, eternal, reciprocal. The love for your family, the love for your partner, the love for someone, anyone. Never dying love. Returned love. Love is an amazing thing. It knows no boundaries. It is unstoppable. It is all conquering. It is an unstoppable force. It never dies.

When the planes hit the Twin Towers, the calls from the people inside were not ones of hate. They were ones of love. In our times of need, love is always there, just waiting to be found. When you do find it, you want to shout about it. You want the world to know that love does exist. You feel like shouting from the rooftops.

I think that if you look hard enough, you will find that love actually does exist.

Thank You

This isn't one of my usual blog posts where I ramble on about nothing. This is a blog post that means something. This is a blog post for everyone who has read this blog since I started. It is, quite simply, a thank you.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has read my blog, everyone who has inspired me to write, who has spoken to me when I was down, who has raised me up when I thought I could never be happy again. It's been a busy few months since I last blogged. Lots of things have changed. Lots of things have happened. Quite simply, in a way, I have changed. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been there for me. There are too many people I could mention here, saying how they have helped me, what they mean to me. If you are reading this, you know if you are one of those people. If you are reading this and are not one of those people, in a way you are. That is because you have probably read my blog before now. Which, by the way, has had over one thousand views. Which is one reason why I am writing this.

But, other than my blog being read a lot of times, I just felt that I should say thank you to everyone who has helped me these last few months. There is not really a way to say this properly, so I will just say, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to everyone.

Thank you.