So, I'm back for yet another depressing blog post. Leave now if you want to stay happy.
Basically, I feel alone. Where ever I go, whoever I'm with, I feel alone. I can be at sixth form surrounded by people and still feel like I'm alone. It feels like I don't fit in anywhere. At sixth form I'd rather just wonder around the school on my own than sit with the people who are supposed to be my friends. At home I prefer to sit in my room alone with my headphones in instead of being with my family.
I know why this has happened. I got close to someone. I thought that something might work out for me. Again, of course, I was wrong. And now I can't be around people. I feel like I need to be on my own constantly. I don't want to go to sixth form, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to go to parties. I don't want to do anything other than sleep and listen to music. I cannot function. I cannot do anything. I just want to give up. I just want to drop everything. There is no point in me continuing on with this complete lie I'm living. I put on a brave face everyday at sixth form, at work, at drama, at home. But, inside, I'm broken beyond repair. I've let everyone down enough as it is, it wouldn't matter if I just stopped. Just stopped everything. Give up.
I feel like complete shit everyday and it's because I don't deserve to feel good. I just fuck up everyone who gets close to me. If I let someone in, they get hurt and it's all my fault. I mess with people's feelings and heads and I don't mean to. I'm just that fucking stupid. I hurt people and don't realise I'm doing it. I say something or do something and don't realise just what effect it has on someone. I am basically selfish. And I don't mean to be. I just cannot do anything without hurting people.
And, to top it off, I've managed to push away the two people I thought I would always be friends with. I went and fucked up again. They had already forgiven me for so much, but this time I went too far. I crossed that line. And now I can't go back. I've managed to ruin the most important friendships I've ever had. I can never get that back. And no matter what I do, I will never forgive myself for what I've put these people through. They deserve better than me. They're better off without me in their lives. I can't ever forgive myself. I've hurt people who were nothing but kind and caring to me. I took their trust in me and ruined it. I let them get close, I got close with them, we got close and then I hurt them. I hurt them so badly that they will never want to see or hear from me again. And I don't blame them. What I did was wrong. What I did hurt them. Hurt them badly. And no matter how much I say sorry, it will never be enough. I will never forgive myself and they will never forgive me.
I no longer have a friend to turn too. I no longer have someone to confide in. I no longer have someone to make me feel better. I've blown everything and it is my fault. No one else's. Just me. I wish there was something I could do to fix things, but there isn't.
And if any of those people are reading this, I want you to know I'm sorry. Sorry for everything. And I hope your life is better without me, because, let's face it, it will be. Goodbye.
Friday 16 November 2012
Tuesday 17 July 2012
Growing up
This is something I noticed the other day:
The people I know and love are going off to university, college, sixth form, starting work, having serious relationships etc. I still think of these people as the people I first met. The young, innocent people I knew years ago. People I know and have know for years are going to parties, drinking, having sex etc. These people are my age and when I met most of them, they were 11/12/13/14. It's scary to think how much time has passed in what seems like the short amount of time I've known them. It's scary how much people have changed. Time is moving too fast. I can't get my head around the fact that the kids I knew are becoming adults and so am I. When we were younger, we had all the time in the world. Now, everything is rushed. Everything happens so quickly. There doesn't seem to be time to just meet up with old friends and be together like before. We used to be carefree. Not knowing what was coming next and not caring. Now we still don't know what's next, but we always think about it. It's insane. It seems that time is going faster and faster and we're rushing through everything. We need to slow down and realise that growing up isn't all it's made up to be. It's scary. In a few years everyone I know will be at university or working somewhere. Where does the time go? If we could slow down and just take a moment to realise how much has happened so quickly, I think that everyone would feel the same.
So, if time would slow down, I'd be very grateful.
The people I know and love are going off to university, college, sixth form, starting work, having serious relationships etc. I still think of these people as the people I first met. The young, innocent people I knew years ago. People I know and have know for years are going to parties, drinking, having sex etc. These people are my age and when I met most of them, they were 11/12/13/14. It's scary to think how much time has passed in what seems like the short amount of time I've known them. It's scary how much people have changed. Time is moving too fast. I can't get my head around the fact that the kids I knew are becoming adults and so am I. When we were younger, we had all the time in the world. Now, everything is rushed. Everything happens so quickly. There doesn't seem to be time to just meet up with old friends and be together like before. We used to be carefree. Not knowing what was coming next and not caring. Now we still don't know what's next, but we always think about it. It's insane. It seems that time is going faster and faster and we're rushing through everything. We need to slow down and realise that growing up isn't all it's made up to be. It's scary. In a few years everyone I know will be at university or working somewhere. Where does the time go? If we could slow down and just take a moment to realise how much has happened so quickly, I think that everyone would feel the same.
So, if time would slow down, I'd be very grateful.
Thursday 12 July 2012
About Me 3
So, I haven't posted anything on here for quite a while. I don't really have an excuse for not doing so. I guess exams took up some time, but other than that, I've done nothing. I'll do another list of stuff about me, because that's easiest.
1) I have started using Tumblr. And I use it all the time.
2) I haven't seen anyone from school in over a month now.
3) I basically failed my first year at sixth form.
4) I have now changed my subjects from biology, chemistry and maths to drama, media, psychology and English language.
5) My goal in life is now to make it in theatre.
6) I've changed a lot since the last time I wrote a list like this.
7) I am still part of my drama group.
8) I will have to leave after the next show because I will be too old to be part of it anymore.
9) I really don't want to leave.
10) My drama group has been part of my life for 8 years now.
11) I genuinely love it there.
12) I feel like the people from sixth form don't like me, but I don't really care anymore.
13) I jump to conclusions.
14) There is a constant stream of rubbish in my brain.
15) I would like to design T-Shirts or something like that.
16) I am still not gay.
17) I would like to say that I've become a better person, but I don't think that I've improved that much.
18) I am still working on becoming a better person.
19) I still dance, sing and act.
20) Still not capable of doing solos.
21) But I think I am getting better at it.
22) I have spent the last month of my life watching friends.
23) I haven't been out that much at all.
24) I basically only drink Pepsi.
25) I have started going to the gym in an attempt to get fit.
26) I get embarrassed easily.
27) I am still writing lyrics that will never have music to them.
28) I want to be more creative.
29) I can't draw.
30) I over think everything.
31) I really want a tattoo.
32) I'm not interesting.
33) People think I'm worth talking to. I'm not.
34) People think I'm good looking. I'm not.
35) I get offended easily.
36) I believe in God.
37) I get distracted easily.
38) I get sad easily.
39) My head is a messed up space.
40) I only ever write sad songs because every time I try to write a happy one, it's just cringey and I want to throw up.
41) I have a job at Domino's Pizza.
42) I don't spend much money because if I start I won't stop.
43) I always listen to music.
44) I dislike most people.
45) I prefer my girlfriend's friends to my own.
46) I don't ever have much to say.
47) The 6th/7th of every month is my favourite day of the month.
48) I will try and update this more often.
49) This will probably not happen.
50) I love my girlfriend.
1) I have started using Tumblr. And I use it all the time.
2) I haven't seen anyone from school in over a month now.
3) I basically failed my first year at sixth form.
4) I have now changed my subjects from biology, chemistry and maths to drama, media, psychology and English language.
5) My goal in life is now to make it in theatre.
6) I've changed a lot since the last time I wrote a list like this.
7) I am still part of my drama group.
8) I will have to leave after the next show because I will be too old to be part of it anymore.
9) I really don't want to leave.
10) My drama group has been part of my life for 8 years now.
11) I genuinely love it there.
12) I feel like the people from sixth form don't like me, but I don't really care anymore.
13) I jump to conclusions.
14) There is a constant stream of rubbish in my brain.
15) I would like to design T-Shirts or something like that.
16) I am still not gay.
17) I would like to say that I've become a better person, but I don't think that I've improved that much.
18) I am still working on becoming a better person.
19) I still dance, sing and act.
20) Still not capable of doing solos.
21) But I think I am getting better at it.
22) I have spent the last month of my life watching friends.
23) I haven't been out that much at all.
24) I basically only drink Pepsi.
25) I have started going to the gym in an attempt to get fit.
26) I get embarrassed easily.
27) I am still writing lyrics that will never have music to them.
28) I want to be more creative.
29) I can't draw.
30) I over think everything.
31) I really want a tattoo.
32) I'm not interesting.
33) People think I'm worth talking to. I'm not.
34) People think I'm good looking. I'm not.
35) I get offended easily.
36) I believe in God.
37) I get distracted easily.
38) I get sad easily.
39) My head is a messed up space.
40) I only ever write sad songs because every time I try to write a happy one, it's just cringey and I want to throw up.
41) I have a job at Domino's Pizza.
42) I don't spend much money because if I start I won't stop.
43) I always listen to music.
44) I dislike most people.
45) I prefer my girlfriend's friends to my own.
46) I don't ever have much to say.
47) The 6th/7th of every month is my favourite day of the month.
48) I will try and update this more often.
49) This will probably not happen.
50) I love my girlfriend.
Saturday 31 March 2012
Social Awkwardness
Right, so here is the thing. I am useless when it comes to using words to express how I feel. Every time I want to say something about my feelings, I have to spend ages thinking of the words I want to use. I cannot express myself properly. I write song lyrics a lot, as you may have seen. I have posted two songs onto here. In my opinion they are the only ones that aren't incredibly depressing or are half decent. In fact, one of the songs I posted is rather depressing and worrying. The rest of my songs are very depressing and/or are terribly written and shall never been seen by another human being. There is a reason why I spend so much time on them, it unfortunately does not seem to be to make the lyrics any good. All of my lyrics are depressing (excluding perhaps two songs). They nearly all involve breaking up with someone and the feeling of regret and not being good enough. Apart from one, which is about 'moving on'. In my head, it was meant to be about moving on. In the end it turned into yet another song about how I am not good enough and how this person (who shall remain nameless) will be better off now. I try to write happy songs about love and friendship and other happy things, but I cannot do it. When I try, the words just sound terrible and fake.
Another aspect of my struggling with words comes into real life. Or, at least, when I am trying to talk via text/msn/twitter etc. I have to think about everything I say. I struggle to be able to just talk. I am so socially awkward that I can hardly talk even when I am not face to face with someone. Some people it is easier to talk to than others. Other people I am there struggling to say something that they will not be offended by. I am always too scared to say things because I feel like I will scare people away from me. I try to stay friends with people and not to freak them out with my general insanity. I have real trouble explaining how I feel, even to those I am closest too. The ones who I should be easily able to tell how I feel. I cannot explain myself properly. I wish I could explain how I feel to people. I wish I could tell people how I feel about them. How I feel about myself. Anything.
That is only when I am not talking face to face. When I talk face to face I am so utterly useless, it is a miracle anyone ever wants to talk to me. I cannot communicate properly with people in real life. If I am with someone and they introduce me to someone I have never met, I will say hello and then be quite the whole rest of the time they talk. I find it impossible to hold a conversation. There are few people I can talk to for a decent length of time. I just am so socially awkward that I cannot say hello if I see someone I know unless they talk to me first. I cannot start a conversation. I just feel like I am intruding and interrupting their lives. My self worth is so low that I do not see why anyone would want to talk to me.
Another thing that is effects is my trying to get anything from a shop. I always feel bad as if I am putting the person at the counter out by buying something. I cannot look them in the face. I feel like I have made them do something they would not have had to do otherwise. If I cannot find something in a shop, I will not ask where it is, I will just not get it.
I never leave the house without my headphones or my hat. I feel like if I have them, people are not likely to judge me or try and verbally abuse me, like at sixth form. At sixth form I always have my hat on and headphones in. I figure that if I cannot hear them, then they are not saying anything. My hat provides me with something to hide under. People see the hat, not me. It saves me from everyone noticing me. I feel safe with my hat. It is a defence thing. I cannot explain it, but I will not leave the house without my hat and headphones. Music is my way of escaping from the world. If I have music playing, I feel so much better, because it keeps me calm. If I did not have music, I would go insane. I would have to deal with everything the world has to throw at me. Music keeps it all at bay, at least for a little while.
Now, I know that this seems very much like a typical teenage blog. That would be because it is. Unfortunatly, it is how I am. I wish I could change myself, but I cannot. I cannot do anything about this. I do not work well in social situations. That is all. Goodbye for now.
Another aspect of my struggling with words comes into real life. Or, at least, when I am trying to talk via text/msn/twitter etc. I have to think about everything I say. I struggle to be able to just talk. I am so socially awkward that I can hardly talk even when I am not face to face with someone. Some people it is easier to talk to than others. Other people I am there struggling to say something that they will not be offended by. I am always too scared to say things because I feel like I will scare people away from me. I try to stay friends with people and not to freak them out with my general insanity. I have real trouble explaining how I feel, even to those I am closest too. The ones who I should be easily able to tell how I feel. I cannot explain myself properly. I wish I could explain how I feel to people. I wish I could tell people how I feel about them. How I feel about myself. Anything.
That is only when I am not talking face to face. When I talk face to face I am so utterly useless, it is a miracle anyone ever wants to talk to me. I cannot communicate properly with people in real life. If I am with someone and they introduce me to someone I have never met, I will say hello and then be quite the whole rest of the time they talk. I find it impossible to hold a conversation. There are few people I can talk to for a decent length of time. I just am so socially awkward that I cannot say hello if I see someone I know unless they talk to me first. I cannot start a conversation. I just feel like I am intruding and interrupting their lives. My self worth is so low that I do not see why anyone would want to talk to me.
Another thing that is effects is my trying to get anything from a shop. I always feel bad as if I am putting the person at the counter out by buying something. I cannot look them in the face. I feel like I have made them do something they would not have had to do otherwise. If I cannot find something in a shop, I will not ask where it is, I will just not get it.
I never leave the house without my headphones or my hat. I feel like if I have them, people are not likely to judge me or try and verbally abuse me, like at sixth form. At sixth form I always have my hat on and headphones in. I figure that if I cannot hear them, then they are not saying anything. My hat provides me with something to hide under. People see the hat, not me. It saves me from everyone noticing me. I feel safe with my hat. It is a defence thing. I cannot explain it, but I will not leave the house without my hat and headphones. Music is my way of escaping from the world. If I have music playing, I feel so much better, because it keeps me calm. If I did not have music, I would go insane. I would have to deal with everything the world has to throw at me. Music keeps it all at bay, at least for a little while.
Now, I know that this seems very much like a typical teenage blog. That would be because it is. Unfortunatly, it is how I am. I wish I could change myself, but I cannot. I cannot do anything about this. I do not work well in social situations. That is all. Goodbye for now.
Monday 23 January 2012
About me part 2.
So this is an updated version of my 'About me' post. A fair bit has changed since I wrote the other post. If you want to see this post, click this link: http://thehappeningsofhart.blogspot.com/2011/06/about-me.html
1) I am nearly always on Twitter.
2) I prefer people on twitter to people in real life.
3) I do not like my 'friends' at school.
4) I am not going to go into the details about that here.
5) I nearly always have music playing.
6) I am really struggling with sixth form.
7) I am taking biology, chemistry and maths.
8) I had to drop drama in an attempt to keep up with my other subjects.
9) I wish I had chosen a different life path.
10) I would prefer to be doing something musical/theatrical.
11) I am still part of the same drama club. And I still love it.
12) I don't feel like I fit in at sixth form.
13) The people there don't give me any respect.
14) This is why I do not like them. Which kind of makes point 4 invalid.
15) I seem to be unable of logical thought.
16) I have a constant monologue going in my brain.
17) I am a bit odd.
18) I am still interested in fashion.
19) I am not gay. I know someone assumed that.
20) Most of the people at school think I am gay.
21) I am trying to become a better person.
22) I still dance and act.
23) I still love singing.
24) I still can't do solos.
25) My solos are limited to my bedroom.
26) I am currently working on choreographing a dance to Remembering Sunday by All Time Low.
27) Remembering Sunday is one of my favourite songs.
28) If I were to sing a solo, it would probably be Crash by You Me At Six.
29) My favourite bands are You Me At Six, All Time Low, Paramore, Bon Jovi and Nirvana.
30) I am not stupid, I know Nirvana are no long around.
31) I think that anyone who thinks Nirvana are still producing albums is an idiot.
32) People seem to think that I am good looking.
33) I disagree.
34) I hate racism, homophobia, sexism, and the word 'retard'
35) I get very offended when people at school are racist/homophobic/sexist or use the word 'retard'
36) I've asked them to stop, but they will not listen to me.
37) I have given up with trying to get them to listen to me.
38) I am no longer an atheist.
39) In fact, I now believe in God and Christianity.
40) I get annoyed when people insult Christians.
41) I need to get out more.
42) I never have enough money.
43) I do not think that I am very interesting.
44) Others disagree with me. I don't know why.
45) I keep a diary. It is just a place for me to write things I don't ever want anyone else to see.
46) I love my girlfriend.
Let me know what you think about all of this.
Until next time, adios mi amigos!
1) I am nearly always on Twitter.
2) I prefer people on twitter to people in real life.
3) I do not like my 'friends' at school.
4) I am not going to go into the details about that here.
5) I nearly always have music playing.
6) I am really struggling with sixth form.
7) I am taking biology, chemistry and maths.
8) I had to drop drama in an attempt to keep up with my other subjects.
9) I wish I had chosen a different life path.
10) I would prefer to be doing something musical/theatrical.
11) I am still part of the same drama club. And I still love it.
12) I don't feel like I fit in at sixth form.
13) The people there don't give me any respect.
14) This is why I do not like them. Which kind of makes point 4 invalid.
15) I seem to be unable of logical thought.
16) I have a constant monologue going in my brain.
17) I am a bit odd.
18) I am still interested in fashion.
19) I am not gay. I know someone assumed that.
20) Most of the people at school think I am gay.
21) I am trying to become a better person.
22) I still dance and act.
23) I still love singing.
24) I still can't do solos.
25) My solos are limited to my bedroom.
26) I am currently working on choreographing a dance to Remembering Sunday by All Time Low.
27) Remembering Sunday is one of my favourite songs.
28) If I were to sing a solo, it would probably be Crash by You Me At Six.
29) My favourite bands are You Me At Six, All Time Low, Paramore, Bon Jovi and Nirvana.
30) I am not stupid, I know Nirvana are no long around.
31) I think that anyone who thinks Nirvana are still producing albums is an idiot.
32) People seem to think that I am good looking.
33) I disagree.
34) I hate racism, homophobia, sexism, and the word 'retard'
35) I get very offended when people at school are racist/homophobic/sexist or use the word 'retard'
36) I've asked them to stop, but they will not listen to me.
37) I have given up with trying to get them to listen to me.
38) I am no longer an atheist.
39) In fact, I now believe in God and Christianity.
40) I get annoyed when people insult Christians.
41) I need to get out more.
42) I never have enough money.
43) I do not think that I am very interesting.
44) Others disagree with me. I don't know why.
45) I keep a diary. It is just a place for me to write things I don't ever want anyone else to see.
46) I love my girlfriend.
Let me know what you think about all of this.
Until next time, adios mi amigos!
Wednesday 11 January 2012
My Self Doubt
Again, it's been about a month since I last posted anything, for which I am sorry. Well, here is my newest post. It's basically about why I am not an interesting person. It's about my self doubt. You will see as this blog goes on what it is really about.
Basically, I do not think I am a very interesting person. I am not talented, good looking, smart, funny or anything. I do not think I have even been interesting. I do not think that I am talented, good looking, smart or funny, despite what people say. I do not see what others see in me. I know that it sounds like I am attention seeking, but I am really not. I actually feel this way about myself. I do not like myself.
And then there is my self doubt. I always doubt myself when it comes to everything. I doubt my intelligence, I doubt my choices, I doubt everything. It affects everything. It causes me to get depressed. It causes me to think about myself. Which leads to more depression. It always ends badly for me. I always over think everything. It is the reason for me ending up loosing friends. I always doubt myself in relationships. I never think that I am good enough. I always think that I am second choice to anyone and everyone. I think that everyone and everything is better than me. I do not know why I feel like this, but I do. I wish I felt more positively about myself, but unfortunatly, I do not.
I would like to point out that I am not attention seeking, I do feel this way about myself. This is really just a way of me venting my self doubt and loathing so that it is not all pent up inside me. Sorry if I depress you, but if I do, do not read this blog post.
Goodbye for now.
Basically, I do not think I am a very interesting person. I am not talented, good looking, smart, funny or anything. I do not think I have even been interesting. I do not think that I am talented, good looking, smart or funny, despite what people say. I do not see what others see in me. I know that it sounds like I am attention seeking, but I am really not. I actually feel this way about myself. I do not like myself.
And then there is my self doubt. I always doubt myself when it comes to everything. I doubt my intelligence, I doubt my choices, I doubt everything. It affects everything. It causes me to get depressed. It causes me to think about myself. Which leads to more depression. It always ends badly for me. I always over think everything. It is the reason for me ending up loosing friends. I always doubt myself in relationships. I never think that I am good enough. I always think that I am second choice to anyone and everyone. I think that everyone and everything is better than me. I do not know why I feel like this, but I do. I wish I felt more positively about myself, but unfortunatly, I do not.
I would like to point out that I am not attention seeking, I do feel this way about myself. This is really just a way of me venting my self doubt and loathing so that it is not all pent up inside me. Sorry if I depress you, but if I do, do not read this blog post.
Goodbye for now.
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